****************
Los Angeles Times Future Edition
Thursday, August 1, 2002
Ashcroft Defends Anti-Terrorism Measures to Senate
Washington, DC. (July 31) Attorney General John Ashcroft appeared before the Senate Judiciary Committee to testify about his recent order indefinitely postponing the 2002 Congressional elections. “We are at war with an enemy who abuses democratic processes," said General Ashcroft.
"The Constitution vests in the president the extraordinary and sole authority as Commander-in-Chief to lead our nation in times of war,” he said, “And holding elections at such a critical time for our great nation would obviously interfere with his ability to conduct his duties as Commander-in-Chief.”
Senator Zell Miller of Georgia, one of the five Democratic Senators not currently being held incommunicado in preventive detention at undisclosed locations, addressed the Attorney General by his preferred title of General Ashcroft, as did all the Senators present. Miller asked if there could be a slim possibility that banning the elections might be exploited as an issue by enemy propaganda.
"We need honest, reasoned debate not fear mongering," General Ashcroft responded, glaring at the Senator. "To those who pit Americans against people who believe in democracy, and citizens against voters, to those who scare peaceloving people with phantoms of lost liberty and the alleged lack of opportunity to choose a government, my message is this: Your tactics only aid terrorists for they erode our national unity and diminish our resolve.”
“Those are the ones who give ammunition to American's enemies and pause to America's friends,” he continued. “And if you let people just have some elections every couple of years, it invites the America-haters who whine about the need for so-called ‘democracy’ and what they call ‘freedom’ to make even more propaganda.”
Asked by Senator Charles Grassley (R, IA) if there was precedent for such an action, General Ashcroft referred to the Presidential election of 2000. “If corporations can use a board to appoint a CEO, why shouldn’t the Supreme Court appoint the President? Charges of confusing ballots and bad vote counts in that case give new meaning to the term 'the folly of democracy’," he said.
“If we’d had to rely on the election results, Bush would never have become our great President of our great country. I mean, just look at me in Missouri. I got unseated by a dead guy. That just goes to show how deeply flawed this whole politically correct notion of elections really is.”
Rights of Demonstrators Upheld
Republican Senator Orin Hatch of Utah praised the General for his actions and asked if he had any comment about recent complaints over the demonstration on the Capitol steps by 100,000 members of the Gun Owners for a Constitutional Amendment to Ban Flag Burning and Martin Sheen. Some Washington police officers complained anonymously to the press that the demonstrators should have been asked not to fire live ammunition from their Uzis into the air at the end.
“We’re talking about America here,” General Ashcroft replied. “Any attempt to restrict the people’s access to automatic weapons and live ammunition, or to prevent people from using them to express their feelings on important issues, would be as un-American as anything I can think of.”
“Besides,” he continued, “my department was arresting most anyone who might be dangerous anyway.”
Subversive Singer Banned
The General was also asked about recent complaints from former Senate Majority Leader and 1996 Republican Presidential candidate Bob Dole that removing pop singer Britney Spears’ citizenship may have been an excessive action. General Ashcroft responded, “Look, the question is, do you want to protect Americans from terrorism and foreign enemies and Muhammedans or not? This Spears person was obviously corrupting the morals of the country. So it was my duty to take action.”Spears eluded capture by fleeing to Britain in an Afghan-style burka, posing as a maid on a cruise ship. She was immediately offered asylum by British Prime Minister Tony Blair and welcomed by Queen Elizabeth. “My grandson Prince William tells me she is a wonderful musician and performer,” the British monarch said.
President Bush has issued an executive order banning all photos, recordings and films of the exiled artist. General Ashcroft defended the order to the Senate Committee. “We have solid evidence that we will be presenting to a secret military court shortly proving that her videos contain back-masked messages of support for al-Qaeda,” he revealed. Bush’s approval rating among women rose by 25% immediately after the order was announced.
Questioned earlier in the week at a press conference, Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld defended his decision to use federalized National Guard troops to hunt down the remaining CDs, videos and DVDs of the banned singer in the United States.
“Terrorists have been attacking us here in the homeland virtually every day for months, and I personally think drastic measures are appropriate,” he said. Asked if he could reveal any of the specific attacks to which he referred, Rumsfeld replied with his characteristic grin, “I could but I’m not going to.” Several reporters were recently placed in indefinite preventive detention for referring to Rumsfeld’s smile as a “smirk.”
Further questioned on the threats of military sanctions against fellow NATO member Britain over the Spears asylum, Rumsfeld said, “So what if we’ve signed some treaty with these Brits? They’re all just a bunch of socialists anyway.”
Using his normal description of the fugitive performer, “Britney Spears comma slut and seductress,” Rumsfeld declared, “I think you have to remember that she’s trying to distract our nation from its vital task of war against terrorism and of supporting our troops fighting in Afghanistan, Iraq, Somalia, the Sudan, Yemen, Cuba and the United Arab Emirates, as well as other countries which I cannot name at this time.”
New Law Proposed
General Ashcroft appeared before the Judiciary Committee to testify in favor of the proposed SUPPRESSION of Enemies USA Act, whose full name is the Steps to Undercut, Pressure, Pound, Restrain, Expel, Stifle, Stomp, Intern and Otherwise Neutralize Enemies of the United States of America Act of 2002.
The proposed law would require secret military tribunals for a new range of crimes, including shoplifting and loitering. It includes mandatory caning of anyone caught spray-painting cars and also mandates the immediate arrest of any member of Congress voting against the proposed law itself. “We must not let over-sensitivity about the rights of suspects, which we only hear from women and sissies anyway, deter us from taking the immediate steps required to protect our great country against terrorism,” General Ashcroft said.
However, the General said that after discussions with various Senators and Congressmen, he was willing to consider reducing the proposed prison terms for littering on interstate highways.
After General Ashcroft testified before the Senate, Tom Ridge, Director of Homeland Security and Patriotic Duties, issued a new terrorism alert. “Secret sources which we cannot divulge say everyone should be afraid, very afraid. More afraid that you already were. But you should go about life normally and report anyone saying anything you think that somebody might think might sound suspicious to the Turn-in-a-Terrorist Hotline.”
Ridge added, “Until we have dismantled al Qaeda, Islam and similar subversive groups in this country and deal with people who don’t believe in America strongly enough, it is my hope that everybody in every community, remains on the highest possible alert and rats out potential traitors regularly.” The alert is the 42nd issued by Ridge’s office this year.
No comments:
Post a Comment